Last week a neighbor came in and pressed this pamphlet from Curves in my hand.
She talked about how much she loved going and how I should really go
She is not really hinting at my corpulence- as she has also bought along a plate of chocolate chip cookies
She is worried about me – "I am thinking of your whole life K .. all you do is work .. you need to do something for yourself.. you are either in the office or doing things for R .. where are you in all this "
I hear her and appreciate the kind thought
But I do not know how to explain that the LAST thing I need is one more thing to do (even if its for myself)
One more thing that takes me away from playing with R would be more than I can bear
Here is the unique burden of mothers of ASD kids –
The wide spectrum of ASD and all the stories of the "recovered " children- all these parents that basically devoted their entire life to therapies - tells you that with all the right therapies and enough hard work your child may recover
The corollary of that is, if your child does NOT recover – you did not work hard enough
This is the sad secret that many of us mums carry in our hearts!
We did not do enough, we failed our children
Its one of the reasons that I feel almost a constant sense of guilt ( in fact from some of my virtual friends I learned that not just the WOHM - but even those moms that homeschool their kids and are Stay at home moms- basically doing the ideal – feel guilty)
All the daily chores of life – the laundry the dishes working – and worse work trips – all the things that keep me from playing ( read that as building new neural connections )
People say grief has many cycles –I feel that way about guilt.
Someday it's my primary feeling on parenting , some other days I am mellow about it
It ebbs and flows insidiously eating away at joy
Today at the end of a corporate retreat that I was so dreading( as it meant two more evenings that I am away from home and R is probably playing on the computer ) and yet I can see has been good for me another thought has been blinking on the radar
What if I gave up on perfection?
But focused simply on the most I can do – when I can do it.
The stories of all the warrior mothers who inspire us and fill us with guilt are told and retold
But what of all the stories of those parents who worked just as hard – without recovered kids- ( I know many of these mothers and admire them so much )
What if it isn't a magic formula of "tons of therapy"=normal child
What if transformation isn't even the point?
For deep in my heart I know R is a gift – inspite or maybe because of Autism
A fellow blogging mom said that she let go of fear today
Today I am starting my journey of letting go of guilt