The last days of January

When a new year comes there is a  large part of it - in which I keep writing 2012 by mistake and yet the entire month of January is coming to a close

Its been a month of sickness in our house unfortunately

DH and I at our wits end trying to figure out why R's tummy troubles are going on for more than a month

He tends to throw up a lot and complain of belly hurts. His appetite is low and he has lost 4 pounds from an already thin frame :-(

We found a GI specialist and started a course of Flagyl ( a super strong antibiotic that comes with its own batch of misery )

If this does not fix it - we will need to explore ulcerative  colitis - a depressing thought

But we can adjust to this like we adjust to most things

Attitude is everything 

But in spite of all these things, I am discovering for myself that  in life attitude is everything

Forced to slow down we spend much of our evenings snuggling on the couch

One day, on top of everything else our heat went out too on the weekend ( a below freezing weekend all the time ) and R and I just pretended we were having a camp-out in front of the fireplace

DH chopped wood and both fireplaces going and had a rather nice time

 Forced to slow down, we discover little slow down pleasures

needing to work one weekend, I take R to the office and I can see how much I rise in his estimation as he discovers that I work in a place with its own vending machines

And cokes and Sprites

And elevators - I think I see his joy in seeing the symmetry of  layers of rooms which is - what an office building is

Our excursions have become limited - but even an outing at the local chain restaurant provides us with much joy
We think some of his stomach problems are psychological as well as he is able to retain the chicken of Applebees and the new gluten free pizza of Dominos

Also at this restaurant I discover that he is a demon at word search ( or atleast he is better than I am )

One of the things that makes it possible for us of course is the choice that DH made to be a SAHD - and I give thanks to god for it often

I hate to think, what it would feel like - if R woke up crying saying he was feeling sick - and us having to send him to school regardless

Instead - he can be at home and recuperate

New Beginnings

I don't think autie parents  ever feel settled until they have an home therapy program and running

4 and a half months later I can finally say we have a set of home therapists that we like, that R likes and who like R
I get the strange feeling of dejavu ( as this is what his old therapists would do )  when Mrs D runs upstairs to show us  how she discovered how interested he was in bees and how she is teaching him to draw

( I think back to Miss Sadie in Tennessee who taught him the "Bringing home the baby bumblebee" song...and how Miss Gypsi bought him a book of insects )

I think learning is like a river with all his therapists adding new streams into it

Where am on Floortime in all of this?

NOWHERE -I have to honestly admit that I have done so little these past 6 months on Floortime -

I really need to get it together and get moving on this

I dont feel guilty about it as it is not unexpected

If you are a floortimer - the first thing that needs to be in the right place  - is you

And I have been all sixes and sevens so much of this past year

Getting Settled

But even though life continues fast paced - i feel so much more settled than I did even a month ago

Life for most of us is a juggling act with many things up in the air - but when the things up in the air become familiar things - you can tackle more things

We are at at this stage now

DH and I are back to the meal planning cycle we have -

I make a menu plan and grocery list Friday morning.

DH shops on Friday . We cook at some time on Saturday. We do a little laundry and a little housekeeping all week . We have a cleaning lady in on Mondays

In this way we are back to being super organised with our logistics and  we keep Sunday free

Most people say they have no time to plan . But DH and I know that if we don't, nothing else can function

Even with the health problems - I feel in a much better place emotionally than I did even a month ago

DH and I have been noticing  that while in many subtle ways R is progressing , but in some ways, he is stuck - he is back to watching the same videos over and over again , he has missed so much school

I am finally ready to get back to my floortiming ways.

Its about time

More on this later

A new year resolution for a mother

DH and I are at the nutritionist for R

She is asking us to come back and see us 3 weeks from now.

I answer that it will probably be just DH and not both of us.

She arches a brow  "Going out of town?"

No, I am not

( I  resist the temptation to lie and say yes yes yes I am traveling.)

I hear judgement in her tone.

I remember our first appointment with her - when she said - that autism and heavy metals often go together

And when I say we were really careful with being organic etc - she says that then the metals probably come from my teeth fillings

All that old  familiar bit of guilt comes rushing back

As we  check out in the waiting room, I see 2 other mother waiting with the other kids

I tell DH cynically "I bet she never raises an eyebrow to the dads.. ........the dads can stay in the office .. the mums better not "

DH laughs and tells me not to be so sensitive. That she probably did not mean anything

That even if she did - who cares?

Why do I care ?

And of course I know the answer to that -

I care because she is speaking directly to my inner voice that judges me

 DH is super supportive of me working and  a great SAHD.

And yet,  it takes little to stir that insidious voice of guilt that tells me I should do more and be more as a  mother

I am so much better than I used to be

At one point like many of my ilk  I would read everything I could get my hands on on what causes Autism and what I could have done to prevent it.

That obsession gave way to the relentless pursuit for finding the best  therapies

Always, I found ways to blame myself

Now when I look back, I wonder at the amount of importance I gave to my own role

How much I expected from myself!

 A friend says "expectations are disappointments in training"

And I disappointed myself all the time.

I think its all these cliches, I grew up with.

The glorifying of motherhood in Eastern culture

And then  in the West, the culture of autism motherhood that idolized the cure moms that wrote the cure books.

But R blossomed

And so did I

And I have started to watch how I think about myself

Our thinking is plastic - the more times  we walk down a path of thinking , the stronger it becomes

So this is my new year resolution

To create a more compassionate inner emotional world

“. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” 
―Buddha
This post has been written for Hopeful Parents and will be published there tomorrow