Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The week of March 12.In which I am full of self pity but overcome it eventually

The weekend



I have declared this weekend to be one of NO driving to house-hunt and only relaxation
However my plans are to be foiled and it’s a weekend of unending toil and feeling mentally drained


Friday


The bank that is selling the house gives DH a boat load of heartburn by adding clauses to the property they are selling. DH thinks of ways in which to hassle them in return.


R’s evening therapy session is cancelled – this is an hour and half only BUT – it’s a critical hour and half as this is when I change sheets and generally get things ready for the weekend. I am very out of sorts as to not have this put things in place


We do the inevitable Wii Fit( SNORE- I am so bored by the WiiFit Lisa as R makes me do the same things everyday ) . Then we sing songs on the trampoline which is a lot of fun. I am really thrilled by the way R is initiating a lot of singing these days.


R takes ages to fall asleep . I am sleepy by the time I get him to sleep too – but I have had NO time with DH at all – so I wake myself up and we watch some TV together . Forgotten is one of my faves right now






Saturday


R is up early ( why wouldn’t he – it’s the weekend? Each school day however he must be scolded/cajoled/bribed/persuaded to wake up !!!)


I make GF Pizza and GF cookies from scratch.


Our ABA team meeting is at 11 and I make strawberry cupcakes for the meeting and DH ices them with cream cheese icing artistically


The team meeting is great!

 R is doing VERY well in ABA. Before the meeting we were starting to wonder if ABA is still the appropriate choice after he turns 6. But all the program changes that are added make us think otherwise


We are adding in Intraverbals( knowing and using words like between, in front of etc ) which is the next step from Mands ( asking for things )

He is getting really good at Mands but Mands are really Stage 1 of language


He is also getting dreadfully cute with all the singing – he asks for Lollipops and I ask him to sing for it and he sings “O-i-pop, o-I pop …. Ooooo o-i-pop”( lollipop, Lollipop … ooo lollipop)


We are making lunch for some friends tomorrow and need to go to Walmart and Toys r Us to buy a present for their new baby. We tell R about this.


We find what we need at Walmart- and so decide NOT to go to Toys r us but as we turn towards our house

 R exclaims “There there"( pointing to the road that leads to Toys r us )  .. toys r us

His sense of direction is great and as we never go back on our word – we go to Toys R Us where R falls upon the Thomas train set excitedly as though he has never seen one before ( while resolutely always ignoring the identical one at home )


We go back home and while R’s therapist is here DH and I do our massive cooking.


I am SO exhausted


Sunday


We finish our prep work for lunch and make some more cupcakes.

This is our friends’ second child . Their first daughter is a year younger than R . We assume C ( the older daughter ) may be feeling left out at the new baby and so make a special shaped cupcake with a face made of strawberries and blue berries for her –

DH is a master artist.

This friend had major PPD after first baby and we had had no idea

She told us about this terrible phase she had been through last year and we had felt terribly guilty about how we really had not been there for her


We are really fond of this couple but you know how life is – months pass by without meeting old friends.

And every time you meet you wonder why you don’t do this more often .

And this is what had happened the last time


However, to our surprise, our friend is completely relaxed and cool though the baby cries incessantly .


She says second baby is no stress compared to first baby.


They love the lunch we have made.


Marinated roasted chicken in hot wraps – with cilantro –lime dipping sauce and I and DH beam with pride


R is frankly in a really terrific phase of interaction . He is constantly pulling at my hand and asking me to do things with him .


While this is LOVELY – (I have to keep reminding myself that this is my goal )– I am simply unable to finish my housework and interrupted housework tends to take 3 times the amount of time.


While all these self help books tell you to let-it-go – I really cannot -as a dirty house makes me depressed


By Sunday evening I am completely drained and when R spits out his dinner – I yell at him very angrily


He is shocked and keeps saying Sorry and crying and smacking his hand


Which breaks my heart


I apologise profusely and give him a bath and put him to bed .


While he hugs and kisses me he is still upset – I cannot forgive myself


Guys I feel overwhelmed.


I am behind in everything .


Sometimes it feels like all I do is work(And that too not very well!)


That my life has no room for me


I have been edged out to make room for all the roles I must play employee, mother parent-therapist, homemaker, wife


Tomorrow is another day and I hope it’s a better one


Monday


I actually go back home at lunch time to finish up a few errands so I will have some time with R in the evening


In the evening however R wants Wii -

R’s Wii madness is really boring me to tears and I am also very frustrated that our golden evening hour is wasted in this most boring of all activities


Plus the Wii is in our basement – it’s the “family room “ but I hate it as its dark and gloomy


I hope R will start doing the Wii in his afternoon break – between Speech therapy and me coming home – so we can have some time outside


I take a walk in the evening with R’s ABA therapist is here and cheer up somewhat –

There is something most uplifting about being outside – even though its gray


When I get home – R’s therapist has left and I hear him weeping downstairs … mother mother he is sobbing


I call him upstairs and tell him I am not doing Wii with him and if he wants to go outside – I can do that


He agrees


OMG he is blossoming


He does little games with me – holding hands saying “go “ and running and then saying Stop and coming to a halt.


He is very proud to teach me this game


We go on the trampoline and he “teaches” me the actions to “Row Row .. row your boat” its so adorable to see him shape my hands to do the oar action


Then after we have fallen down after singing “Ring around the roses” he strokes my face lovingly .


He comes to my ears and realizes for the first time that my ear-rings actually pierce my ear


“Ears hurt?” he asks me sympathetically


While I am looking at him with a fatuous smile, he yanks the ear- rings off – I suppose to solve my problem
( NOW my ears hurt )


We do our nightly routines and then I put him to bed .


He wriggles excitedly by my side and nestles in the crook of my shoulder


As he drifts off to sleep, I feel a sense of contentment come over me


I wonder about other tired mothers around the world doing bedtime with their children


Perhaps our lot is not in getting rest but in these little moments of reward


Suddenly this constant feeling of being behind is behind me

I have "stepped out of the circle of time and into the circle of love" ( read it somewhere cannot remember the author)

I dream of what I will wear tomorrow - I know it will be red -for red is my love and I think of this necklace- do you love this necklace - I bought it in Delhi and drift off dreaming of it



Tuesday

I am determined to be more productive and positive today

I wear deep red today and dress up as its our date lunch day





However it is not to be

 DH calls andt tells me that R was rubbing his eyes and they thought it was pink eye - its not - seasonal allergies is what it is but they now need a note from the doctor

While normally I would be crushed, as I was so looking forward to being alone with DH but I am determined to stay cheerful

We meet outside the doctor's office and R's most excellent memory reminds him of all the other times he has been here and he urgently whispers "Mc Donalds Mc Donalds"

( we dont go to the doctor's office unless we HAVE to as I firmly beleive its a pit of germs )

Attitude really IS everything and we have a most marvelous lunch at Mc Donalds ( where else ? ) and I am fawned over by R excessively -



We later go to Mc Kay's and pick up a few books for him

Ever since I discovered the world of second hand books - I will simply never buy new books for R

It appeals to both me environmental and my thrifty side

I go back to office and R and DH go home

At home he cries and cries for Mother - I think the bloody Benadryl depresses him

DH snuggles him and explains to him why Mother has to work

R says suddenly " I miss mother "!

Dh calls to tell me and I am speechless

Was there ever a more satisfying child and a sweeter husband?

The weary week is sloughed off

 I am new again !

14 comments:

Þorgerður said...

Greetings from another tired mom on the other side of the ocean.
Sturla also loves my trinkets and is not very gentle when exploring them.
Your necklace is absolutely beautiful and you look great with it.
Take care

Queenbuv3 said...

I feel overwhelmed, overcommitted and wondering where the "me time" is daily. But when I see how my efforts help my children be happy, healthy and making progress it makes it all worth it. I also feel better when I think about the fact that through all our challenges and exhausting days my husband and I are still in love and still together : )

Even though I am a stay at home mom I feel like I never stop working. I actually had a friend say to me that once all her kids were in school she would "have to find SOMETHING to do" like I sit around bored all day. Maybe it's Karma, God, whatever, but she just found out she was pregnant with baby #4 and will not be released from what she clearly sees as a jail sentence-being a stay at home mom.

Being a parent, whether you are working outside the home or stay at home is very challenging and exhausting. But when you have one or more children with special needs and /or medical problems it is amazing that anyone can get up out of bed and get on with all they have to face day after day.

I too have to have a clean house. Period. There is no just "letting it go". I worry about germs (my daughter has Asthma and my husband is allergic to everything and I have sinus problems) and I get very stressed out when things aren't clean and organized.

You are doing an amazing job and YOU CARE. You are TRYING YOUR BEST. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels overwhelmed but also cannot let go of my high standards. After all, how do we ever make progress or feel motivated to get out of bed every day if we aren't trying to do better and get a little closer to our goals?

J. said...

what great progress he is making. I hear you on the tired and overwhelmed. I don't care if my house is messy but sometimes it does just feel like one more thing that I do not have time for. Hang in there and take care this week.

Kim said...

I love that you came around to feeling new again! I understand that overwhelming feeling, the depressing dirty house, the not enough "me" in my every day life.

And the necklace? LOVE that gorgeous red necklace! Love the self portrait as well--you are beautiful! Love the hair--I have gobs of hair too :)

Did I say LOVE enough in this comment?

robin said...

I know that feeling of having a dirty house and not being able to think clearly or feel great....but I've learned to let go a bit over the years. I have to get it back up to par at least once a week though, just to keep sane. I feel better with a straightened house and even moreso, a clean car. That being said, I am currently looking at three loads of clothes to fold and a sink of dirty dishes...yet I'm taking my toddler in the stroller walking...it can all wait until I watch tv tonight (and can fold at the same time.)

I LOL when I read about R discovering about you having your ears pierced!

I just love that he said that he missed you.....precious words!

Glad you're feeling better!

Oh, and, you're beautiful!

Lisa said...

K you are beautiful so I have an idea when you are feeling glum, walk to a mirror, look in it....then say Damn I'm hot!

It does get tiresome, I have had a couple of those weeks myself. Slowly coming around.

I love second hand books and exactly why buy new? Save some trees.

Will R allow you to get a new Wii game? How about Wii resort? Super Mario Bros?
Hmmmmm.

He sounds as though he is progressing wonderfully, just think you and your husband are doing that, that in its self is a pretty amazing thing!

Hugs to you!
Lisa

Brenda said...

What a gorgeous necklace and a gorgeous you!

Yes, I have a much more peaceful feeling living in a clean house - but it hasn't happened in about five years!

Love how you went from focusing on the house to the bigger picture - the rewards from your child. R's verbal abilities are REALLY exploding!

Renegade Scholar said...

I love these weekly updates! I'm going to try this on my blog.

Ingrid

Rebecca said...

I love that he is saying more and more to you - it must be thrilling for you guys! He is coming along so well!

TheRextras said...

Looks like you have lost weight.

My observation is that all parents who are employed full-time experience being overwhelmed.

I honor my need to have an organized/neat/mostly clean home - as much as possible. It gets easier with age - I mean, time! ;)

Barbara

Printing Shoppers | UPrinting Coupons said...

I felt sad reading the first few lines in your post but I was happy knowing that you have redeemed yourself from self-pity. Besides, you had a very handsome little prince to redeem yourself and he is so adorable.

Territory Mom said...

First, you need a day to do absolutely nothing. I mean it. I don't know how you do it all.
It sounds like R is talking great. He reminds me of my son when he first started talking, he is on his way. I love, love the necklace and what is the recipe for the roasted chicken in hot wraps. It sounds wonderful. Have a great weekend and try to do NOTHING.

Julie said...

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better. My heart went out to you and I felt terrible for not making it here earlier to sort of be there for you...though online. I am so with you on avoiding the "pit of germs" and buying second hand books! It's always fun to read about little things that we're alike on. R sounds like he's doing wonderfully!!! There were so many things that made my heart sing as you talked about his progress. I know it's tiring, but you're doing a fantastic job. I like what you said:

"Perhaps our lot is not in getting rest but in these little moments of reward"

I think that's true...but if you're getting close to burning out, make some time to refresh, if you can...I know it's a lot easier to tell someone else to do that than it is to actually practice!!!! Sometimes as hard as everything feels, relaxing is just one more thing TO DO.

((HUGS))

blackknightsbrood said...

Even in your moments of self pity (I had to look hard to find them), your writings carry a tone of kindness, tenderness and motherly love.

"I miss mother" Moments like this make overcoming even the most overwhelming of weeks easier, don't they?

Floortime Lite Mama

On my life as the mother of an adorable 5 year old with Autism and Apraxia