Monday, November 9, 2009

Happy birthday R

We are at Toys R Us this weekend looking for presents for R ( for one of the curious things about him is that he wants so little- DH and I must rack our brains )

We browse and make our list – wondering if we will get lucky this year with what we get for him !

On our way out - I stop by some electronic maracas – wondering if R would like them.

DH and I are engrossed wondering whether these would work with our Wii

I turn to look for R

And he is gone.

I run out of the store (for the stupid Toysrus has automatic doors)

He is not there

DH and I run to all the places in the store that R loves – the bikes( where he tried to climb on all the grown up ones- though he can barely ride his trike ) , the cars( where he loves on the car with the Barbie painted on it much to DH’s chagrin) , the Thomas the Train display which he adores ( while ignoring the identical one at home )

In a few minutes I have imagined a million awful possibilities!(Are mothers programmed to be the worst pessimists? Every mum I know is willing to believe that her child is in imminent danger at the drop of a hat)

As I am thinking that I will have to get the Toys R Us Staff to help us – the phone rings and DH is calling to say he has found R peacefully reading the books.

I am so angry with him

I wait by the entrance

When DH and R come out-I hold R by the shoulders and give the furious lecture that parents all around the world give their children they almost lost ( what a wonderful word "almost" is in this case- it makes all the difference in the world )

The “how- many-times-I- have-told-you” and the “why-cant-you-listen" and “do-you-know-what-could-have-happened”

I know he is going to cry

But I don’t care

I am too angry to care!

But - instead of crying – R holds my face and says “shoi ma” ( Sorry Mama)

He strokes my face – smiling gently

Tears fill my eyes –as I realize that I was not angry at all

I was scared!

I hug him and tell him he should stay close to me and that I would die if he got lost.

It just amazes me how this little child sees right to my heart.

Even the people who know me inside out, misunderstand

But never this child!

He knows what I am feeling .. sometimes even before I know it

I think back to the morning, when my colleague was describing a scene in the book Blink.

The author of the book, Malcolm Gladwell, talks about showing the movie “Who is afraid of Virginia Wolf” as an experiment.

In the experiment, auties and non-auties look at a scene from the movie .

Eye tracking reveals that the auties were looking at the things in the scene and not the people. With this my colleague concludes that auties are immune to emotion and all about logic.

I tell her that R is not like that - Not at all

He is more astute than most people I know

In the 5 years that I have known R – he has taught me so much and given me so much love

On his birthday today, I am so full of thankfulness for this wonderful, beautiful, miraculous child.

Its hard to believe that 5 years ago I did not even know him

Happy birthday sweet love!

I am so glad to be your mum

21 comments:

Becki said...

Happy Birthday to R!

The fear a mom feels is so real - just when you wrote he was gone I immediately felt panic takeover all over me - and I am just reading!

Rachel said...

Oy... I felt sick reading the first part. I think every mother knows that instant moment of hopelessness. And the terrible and sweet combination of relief and anger and "what if?"

So glad you found him. And so glad for a wonderful fifth birthday celebrated together.

(and may I ask if he was enchanted with any gifts after all?? :)

Þorgerður said...

Happy birthday.
My Sturla used to be a run away and I still do not trust him. I can relate to your fear. How wonderful he said he was sorry. I wish you the best.

Julie said...

Happy Birthday, R!!!! I hope you have had a wonderful day! =) Oh, I felt that fear, K. It's awful not knowing where our kids disappeared to and knowing that he can't explain anything later or to someone who might try to help. It's awful.

Thanks for your kind and understanding words on my blog today. You are so right. Even when hurtful things happen or things are hard, I look at Daniel's innocence and purity and thank God for him...and I am thankful that he doesn't know how to be judgmental or mean.

goodfountain said...

Happy Birthday to your Sweet R.

I too have felt angry when losing my kids in the store. Angry, but really fear. Probably a natural reaction.

I hope he has a wonderful birthday. if R really loves the alphabet a lot, buy him some letter stamps. Charlotte loved those!!

Puffin said...

Your post made me cry! Happy birthday to your beautiful boy. I just love your little family, K!

Niksmom said...

Happy birthday to your beautiful, loving boy. Isn't it funny how, often times, we respond with anger when what we really feel is fear? At least, I do. Glad he was ok. Whew.

All About the Bailey's said...

Happy Birthday to your sweet little guy. Hope he had a great day.

Renegade Scholar said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

- Ingrid

Territory Mom said...

First Happy birthday "R" you are a great boy. 2nd I know that fear. I lost my niece one time in Target. I looked for her for awhile and in tears I asked someone for help. It was so weird. The girl said one word in her radio and it was like an army marching from every dept and they started looking for her. Thankfully she had on gold glitter shoes and they found her under a table with her shoes sticking out.

blackknightsbrood said...

"... my colleague concludes that auties are immune to emotion and all about logic.

I tell her that R is not like that - Not at all

He is more astute than most people I know"

Yes, I agree. Our kids have heightened senses in so many areas - I've always thought that perception, sensitivities to emotions, and other intangibles are among them. The intensity may be so strong that it appears as something it is not (indifference).

So glad you found him safe and sound. We've been there too. So scary.

Trish said...

What a wonderful response for him to give! While it's a horrifying experience, I'm so glad to see how he was able to understand your feelings and respond to them.

You have a wonderful little boy there.

therextras said...

Awww! And happy birthday to R!

I think the no-emotion-thing is old stereotype. Wish it would fade. Completely.

Barbara

Territory Mom said...

Hey K, saw your comment on my blog. I don't know if the girl is wearing a sari. I'll have to check on it. I absolutely love saris. My baby sister lives in India about 1/2 of the year and she always brings one home to me. There is no better craftmanship than Indian. Lots of Love.

robin said...

Oh, I have experienced that feeling too (your child wandering off and not finding them.) It happened to us in another city/state in a huge aquarium. Fortunately, I found my daughter after searhing a while and she was just sitting on a bench waiting for me. I was too scared and angry.

My heart ached waiting to read what happened...I'm glad it turned out just fine. I love R's response. He is just awesome!!

Sumithra said...

Happy Birthday, R!

Quite an introspection! How many times we think we are angry when in fact it is the fear for our loved ones! R is so sweet. To apologize, rather than crying or finding an excuse, just shows how much he understands you and loves you. I do not know much about autism. But, after reading this, I would definitely not agree that they are immune to emotions. You are so lucky to have such an amazing boy.

Shirin's Art said...

Happy Birthday R
u are just adorable!!!

Darcy said...

Aww. That made me cry. What a beautiful boy you have. ((Sniff, sniff)).

rhemashope said...

Happy Birthday, R! I can just imagine him holding your face and saying sorry. What's a mother to do but fall in love all over again? What a blessing God has given you in your precious son.

Laura said...

belated happies and what a beautiful post. I, too, learn every day from mine.

TJ said...

wow

Floortime Lite Mama

On my life as the mother of an adorable 5 year old with Autism and Apraxia