Wednesday, March 23, 2011

March odds and ends


Has finally sprung – goodness how gorgeous it is !

In the cabin on the weekends we spend all weekend outside

DH has started to accompany me on my walks which is very nice

He says he finds couples who hold hands in public – too sickeningly sweet.

He claims that this means that they are trying to show to the world how much in love they are ( to him this means they must inside their own heart doubt it )

Of course he has made a big mistake by telling me this .

And so every time a vehicle is about to pass us – I clutch his hand and gaze at him – all vapid adoration
I think every marriage has a theme and ours is playfulness

We love people watching – the cabin we own is in a giant complex of many cabins – many of which are rented out

The body language will easily help you differentiate between the owner and the renters – the renters have an "am I acceptable?" look on their faces while the owners strut around proudly

Many of the owners have rented their cabins out . Some like us use it for the weekends. Others ( retired couples ) live here permanently

Our neighbors are a retired couple who are very very sweet ( Lydia also bakes the best peanut butter cookies ! )

They are very relieved to have us as neighbors. The dynamic in our community is that those who rent out their cabins are the worst ( as renters can be loud and annoying )

Those who own and live there permanently are better thank those who rent

But the best ( like us ) are those who own and only come for the weekends

 Has gone somewhat by the wayside with work trips and friends visits etc these past 2 weeks and I am planning to get back on track

We never stop doing Floortime as its our general philosophy.

But as sessions its becoming difficult because I have been very distracted

Cincinnati trip
I have a work trip to Cincinnati - smack in the middle of Spring Break – so DH and R come along

We stay in R's beloved Hilton in Downtown – oh how he loves hotels

The first night we go to a restaurant called Capanellos( sure I am spelling it wrong )  – its very late as we have been late driving in

They take an HOUR to make pizza

I am about to have a meltdown but R is such a good humored thing – that I have to follow his example

He asks for the Pizza every 10 minutes but otherwise plays happily with us

We do hide and seek with the ubiquitous numbers –

We have a pretend happy birthday with the candle  that they have provided and its great fun

I am just about to post an "I am so annoyed" type facebook status.

However  the best pizza I have ever eaten in my life comes out and I have to cancel my update

When R and I start to walk back - I start down the wrong path – R points to the right road and says to "that paf( path ) is not clear" – this is a Diego script that he has used .

I love love love the way he scripts and mentally thank Nancy Kauffman for showing us that scripts can be important language scaffolds for Auties .

I also love the fact that he has inherited DH's sense of direction – not mine

While in Cinci – I am at work all day and DH takes R to the children's museum, the pool etc

On the way back from Cincinnati, DH and I play Antakshari - this is a very common game in India

The simple rule is that you sing a song and then the other person has to sing a song that starts with the last letter of what you ended on

Example, If A sings "aint no sunshine when she's gone"

B has to sing a song that starts with "n"

If B cannot, B  loses a point

All bollywood movies are musicals and so our song repertoire is MASSIVE

DH and I have a great time but R  suddenly bursts into tears and cries his little heart out

I later realise he was feeling left out because he goes to the computer and makes him sing with me

I tell my mum of this later. She says R is an "Ekolshada" - A bengali term which means a personality that only likes to be alone or with one other person  and form a "separate world" with that person - they dont like these persons to be forming a separate world with someone else

She reminds me of when she was visiting when R was 2 years old and folding laundry - she had put her clothes and mine in one pile - when R smelled all the clothes separated mine from hers and threw hers away

 March has somehow been overwhelming for me

The house has seemed perpetually messy,

I feel like a walking to-do list

I am never fully done with anything and yet have no free time

I have fallen back on Floortime

I am angry with myself and also feel put upon

This whole cycle of sadness has been triggered by the realization that R will be in first grade in August.

This has suddenly made me realize that he will have school till 3.30 - 5 days a week !!!
Does this mean his home therapy program will have to end?

If we continue with a therapy hour in the evening what time will I get with him ? NONE

I don't believe in the time- line thing( "teach everything before they turn 5" is a stupid myth) - but I have started to feel that the logistics of school will get in the way . ( Especially since R no longer enjoys school :-( )
We have so much more to teach him and now we will have no school-free time
Plus a truly horrible feeling has resurfaced - the one my friend T talked about to me once - that he would have been so much better off with a better mother

I talk to my online friends who are really a great comfort

And then DH and I have a long chat problem solving on Saturday – which is his special skill

Problem : House always messy , Solution : see if we can afford weekly cleaning instead of every other week ,

Problem : How will he get his afternoon therapy . Solution : Have modified day written in IEP for him so he can have some therapy in school and DH will pick him up early for his OT session. So I can still have some time with him in the evening

Detoxing from the melancholy

DH and I watch the Sporanos in DVD ( our new addiction )

I pause the disc, to go watch the Super moon come out from between the clouds

Bits of my week came back to me like trailers from a movie

The worry of the month has to make space for the happy bits that are crowding it out

R holding my face earlier that day  and cooing "happy face"

DH beloved voice telling me " Do you have any idea how cherished you are ?"

Some days happiness comes easy and wraps me in its radiant light

And some other times happiness is a decision.. something I make up my mind to be

But always I pursue it.

And always in these woods, I find it

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, .
                                                                                          Anne Frank


Þorgerður said...

Oh my how I envy that spring. I am very tired of snow.... But good things are worth waiting for :)

jazzygal said...

I just love your cabin! How fabulous to be able to take timeout in familiar surroundings. We have a reasonably priced hotel we regularly go to. Chillout time. Don't be too hard on yourself when you can't fit everything in 'cos life has a way of, well, getting in the way. And, as you've already found out there's always a solution ;-)

xx Jazzy

Lynn said...

An hour is far too long to wait for a pizza...R is much more patient than I'd have been. I love that it took like 25 words to describe one Bengali word. Don't beat yourself up about the therapy...R would never want a mother other than you.

Rachel said...

Is it terrible to admit that I found myself saddened, yet encouraged that you (Super Mother) have the same feelings that I do at times?

And I cannot imagine either your husband or your R ever believing that there is a better you than YOU.

I believe that God takes far too much care in creating families that are meant to fit together - to have done anything other than place you three together.

I giggled that you used "vapid" - you have a marvelous way with words!

Alysia said...

I just love your posts. You can turn even the most difficult things into a work of art. March has been hard. very hard. But I love how you turn it around at the end - like the saying "in like a lion, out like a lamb..."

autismand said...

Your energy and commitment are an inspiration.

Navendu Shekhar said...

"Do you have any idea how cherished you are?" Wow, Daddu, well done!
And, Kajoli, R can be Ekolshada only because you are so complete for him. So, don't worry about falling short.

Brenda Rothman (Mama Be Good) said...

The ups and downs are always there, no? But the fact that he wants full attention (just like my son) is amazing and wonderful. He wants us.

Kim said...

My 2 favorite lines from your post:

R holding my face earlier that day and cooing "happy face"

DH beloved voice telling me " Do you have any idea how cherished you are ?"

made me smile. I know that we all doubt ourselves as mothers and those of us with kids on the spectrum doubt ourselves even more, but you my dear, should not. You are a wonderful mother. Your energy and love flows from your writing, I can only imagine what it is like in your actual presence.

kathleen said...

I would like to rent your cabin..heehee. I LOVE that you take DH's hand when you are in public and someone passes by-too very funny..I also like your little one throwing out the pile of his grandmothers clothes..;0 This was a lovely post..and I find myself longing for spring..

Anonymous said...

"happy face.", "do you have any idea how cherished you are?"

i just love your family.

hope you enjoy rest in your woods this weekend.

Anonymous said...

the last lines were so true.... really we are blessed because we ARE

thanks for making me realize the things I sort of forget to enjoy because of the disease of busy

LOVE your posts

Keep writing


Anonymous said...

Outside - yes! The therapeutic effect of nature, eh? Because floortime is your philosophy - R is never without it. The calendar still says March - I hope your happiness-decision includes two more visits by the housekeeper and whatever the bengali word is for not worrying about next school year.

Dr Asit Kumar Bhattacharyya said...

u write beautiful as always as u r .yes God made us all in his special design & He wants us to be happy [anne frank quote], U R , & Ur DH make a wonderful loving lovely family,best of luv,keep writing.---popsey[]

Anonymous said...

oh, I related and felt for you through so much of this. I'm a teeny bit jealous that it's spring there already! We're supposed to get snow by the end of the week. noooooooo! haha!
Steve won't hold my hand it public. It bothers me because he always used to, but now "it makes him feel weird". It's not that I want a public display of affection, but we doesn't communicate well verbally and it makes us closer. Literally...but there is a really nice bond when people hold hands and I miss it.
I hope your days are becoming less stressful and feeling better. I soooo relate to so much of this. I loved that quote. In the summer time, my vegetable garden is my favorite place to destress at the end of the day!

danette said...

You have a beautiful family, K, and you are the perfect mother for R.

Had to smile at the hotel part, Cuddlebug and Bearhug love hotels too.

I love that quote :). Here's hoping April is a better month!

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