I am worn out
Researching and Evaluating
Finding out the latest
Yes tell me what does that study published in Norway say about Vaccines causing Autism
Of wondering whether Autism is a dreadful monster to be conquered
Or just a way of being
Of trying to remember the last time I heard R say "ish"
Or if any of it really matters
His word for Fish
That I last heard more than three hundred and sixty five days ago
If I had known it was the last time I would hear it
I would have cherished it a little bit more
Remembered that moment and rewound it in my head
Thinking of something bright in response to "How's R doing?"
I say "he is doing great"
And trying to ignore the pregnant pause that follows
Which is filled with the unspoken
Wondering whether progress has been made
Or not
Whether he is on a plateau
Or really just on the verge of a developmental leap
Of trying to stay positive
Because being negative
Takes too much Energy
Which I read yesterday
Is the biggest resource of the mother of a child with Autism
Of wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent it
I want to just be
Another mother